


the phantom thieves: two braincelled extravaganza

by raw_sausig (crystal_gay)



Series: the phantom thieves: gay memefuckers [3]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: ADHD Character, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Character Death Fix, Dimension Travel, F/F, Fix-It, M/M, Memes, Mental Illness, Multi, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Timelines, Trans Character, Trauma, goofs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-10-24 17:20:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20709710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystal_gay/pseuds/raw_sausig
Summary: Jared Leto: I GET IT YOURE HOLDING A GRUDGEJared Leto: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL LITERALLY ANY BETTER I DON’T KNOW WHEN THIS HAPPENEDpancaek: lmao karmaylvis: Karma for what?πthon: karma.





	1. h-hewwo?? OwO

**You have (1) new message from πthon!**

πthon: h-hewwo, owo?

██████ █████████: A̶R̸E̸ ̶y̵O̵U̴ ̷F̸U̷t̴A̵b̵A̶?̵ ̶i̵ ̶D̶o̵n̸'̴t̶ ̶k̷n̶o̴W̴ ̵W̷H̴A̴t̸'̷s̷ ̷G̴o̵i̵N̴g̴ ̶o̷n̵.

πthon: YES!! okay connection is gonna be spotty but hi, this is oracle, and it won’t fry your phone (worked that bug out)

πthon: or alibaba, or navi, or medjed, whatever floats your boat

πthon: also

**πthon changed ██████ █████████’s nickname to “Cinderella”!**

Cinderella: F̷U̴t̶A̷B̴a̵,̶ ̷I̵'̴M̶ ̶S̶c̵A̴r̴e̶D̵.̵ ̵i̴ ̷d̵O̷n̸'̸T̷ ̸K̴N̷o̵W̶ ̵w̸h̷a̴T̶'̴s̸ ̴h̴A̸P̸P̸e̸n̸i̴n̸g̷ ̸t̷o̷ ̵u̴S̷.̵

πthon: yeouch! okay so i dont know you but you know me so that’s a little weird on One side of this equation!

Cinderella: ̵s̵O̷r̸R̶y̷,̶ ̵O̷R̴A̵c̶l̶E̸.̶ ̵Y̵O̴u̴ ̸a̴n̶d̷ ̶F̷o̶X̷ ̶S̸a̷I̸d̸ ̶t̷h̵a̷T̸ ̶Y̸o̸U̷ ̵c̴o̵u̷l̶D̸N̸ '̸t̸ ̶H̸e̴a̵r̵ ̶M̴Y̵ ̸N̷a̸M̴e̷?̵

πthon: yea, my bet is that since you dont exist in our world our brains kinda just *CAR HORN* it out

Cinderella: A̵l̵r̸I̶G̷H̸t̵.̷ ̶y̴o̸U̶ ̶C̵a̷N̶ ̵C̷a̸L̵l̴ ̴M̸e̴ ̷k̵A̵s̸S̵i̶e̸,̶ ̸T̸h̷e̴n̴.̴

πthon: alright, kassie. so you’re saying your group got all fucky to hell?

Cinderella: i̴f̵ ̶“̸f̸u̷c̵K̸Y̸ ̸t̸o̷ ̷H̷e̷L̷L̷”̸ ̵M̶e̷a̷N̴s̸ ̷a̵B̸S̸O̴L̸U̶t̵E̵L̶y̵ ̴F̶e̸R̵A̷l̷,̷ ̴t̴h̵E̴N̶ ̵y̷E̸s̵.̶

πthon: hm, then personas must rely on,,, yo do you have crow???   
Cinderella: h̶e̶'̶S̷ ̸d̸E̶a̶D̸,̴ ̸O̴R̸a̵c̷L̴e̵.̶

πthon: you’re absolutely sure he’s dead?

Cinderella: t̶R̴U̸s̶T̵ ̸M̴E̴,̷ ̵h̸e̵’̴S̸ ̵V̷E̵r̸y̶ ̷d̸e̸a̵D̵.̸ ̷u̶N̶l̵E̷s̵s̶ ̷i̴’̴m̸ ̴M̶i̸s̵S̸I̸N̸g̴ ̶a̷ ̴P̶I̴E̸c̴e̶ ̴o̶F̶ ̵i̵N̸F̵o̴R̷M̴a̴t̶i̶O̶n̵.̸

πthon: man goro will NOT be happy abt that lmaooo anyways

πthon: so personas may rely on the existence of a Wild Card, and if all of yours are vanished or dead then things get a little funky

Cinderella: W̵h̷A̷t̷?̴

πthon: okay mind if i add you to a gc

Cinderella: T̶H̵E̵Y̵'̷L̴l̸ ̷k̷N̴o̷w̷ ̵i̶'̵M̶ ̷N̴O̷T̸ ̴F̶r̸o̶m̴ ̵h̴e̵r̷e̵.̷ ̴t̷H̸E̸ ̸t̴E̶X̶T̷ ̵I̴S̴ ̸d̵i̵S̸t̷o̸R̵t̸e̸d̷ ̶O̸n̴ ̶Y̵O̴U̵r̸ ̶E̸n̸D̷,̵ ̵r̶I̸G̴H̸T̴?̶

πthon: hang on, lemme equip u with a filter,,,, done

πthon: okay all i ask is that you don’t directly say who you are, akira doesnt know

Cinderella: … Okay.

-

**πthon added Cinderella to “anxiety gays”!**

πthon: lmao meet kassie shes a friend from a project

ylvis: Ah, this is her?   
πthon: yee

Jared Leto: Welcome aboard kassie, the Welcoming Committee should be here soon

Cinderella: The welcoming committee?

steve: boss i know about zilch about her i cant exactly pull a nickname outta nowhere

Cinderella: I’m a rhythmic gymnast.

steve: got it, any weird quirks that come with it??

Cinderella: Whenever I bend down to grab something I stick my leg out as a counterweight.

**steve changed Cinderella’s nickname to “l’egg”!**

steve: flourish

l’egg: What is this.

πthon:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltNfIA5kzt0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltNfIA5kzt0)

ylvis: L’egg!

Jared Leto: AAAAAAAAAAAA

steve: lemme smash

Jared Leto: No ryuji, your palace is small

steve: u want some blue??? yellow??? blue and yellow????

Jared Leto: Go find yusuke

steve: stick stick stick fOUND A STICK LEMME SMASH

Jared Leto: Fine i claim kirby

steve: i claim palutena

Jared Leto: Yusuke come play smash with us

ylvis: Bit busy.

Jared Leto: With what lmao

ylvis: Homework.

Jared Leto: No legit kjhfdhkjf

-

**You have (1) new message from πthon!**

πthon: you get to tell him

ylvis: but baba!

πthon: no buts, im recording rn

ylvis: >:(

-

ylvis: I’ll show you.

Jared Leto: :eyesbutfastest:


	2. k a r m a

Jared Leto: Ngl im a little pissed

πthon: thats fair

Jared Leto: UGghhhhhhh im too tired to lecture you guys rn, strongly worded DMs and irl lectures to follow

ylvis: Oh, we’re in for it.

steve: what did you two DO

ylvis: We  _ may  _ be in contact with someone from another reality.

πthon: and we  _ may  _ not have told akira

Jared Leto: Who  _ may  _ be fucking furious right now

togoparty: F.

pancaek: rip

yuor devil: Ouch. Good luck.

ylvis: I fear for my life.

l’egg: I started it all! They did nothing wrong.

Jared Leto: That doesn’t change much, kassie

-

**You have (1) new message from Jared Leto!**

Jared Leto: Futaba oracle navi medjed alibaba isshiki sakura unmute me this instant

πthon: ok

Jared Leto: What were you thinking?! You could have gotten all of us killed! Not only were you putting your own life in danger, but Yusuke’s. Even after I give you *explicit orders* to not mess with dimensional bullshit, what do you do? Mess with dimensional bullshit!

Jared Leto: I… You’re lucky I’m not telling Sojiro! What if you had gotten hurt?

πthon: worth it

Jared Leto: This isn’t the time for jokes, Futaba. You could’ve gotten yourself hurt or killed! 

πthon: it would have been worth it. i have been looking tirelessly for a fix to our problems for  _ months _ , at YOUR request need i remind you, and the moment i find a potential solution? “futaba, you couldve killed us all!” “futaba, don’t mess with dimensional bullshit even though that’s what the problem is rooted in!” i’m fucking done blindly following, akira!

Jared Leto: Oracle. As your leader and brother, I am telling you to stand down.

πthon: and as your sister and navigator, joker, i’m telling you that  _ i can’t.  _ not when this is the closest thing to a key to fixing what happened.

Jared Leto: Then be that way, Futaba.

πthon: you don’t get it, do you? you don’t get what it feels like

πthon: imagine us all calling you a bad leader for one mistake. us all calling you an idiot for taking a risk that ended up worthwhile. calling you stupid for fusing a new persona. that’s how it fucking feels.

Jared Leto: Wait, really?   
πthon: this isn’t me being an edgy teenager! this is my trying my best to help, and then finally speaking my mind after being overworked for  _ two goddamn years _ ! i’m tired, akira. i’ve been teaching yuuki, he’s just as capable, why do you always go to me?

Jared Leto: … How about we talk in person and you can show me your setup?

πthon: okay, dont expect me to answer the door

Jared Leto: I have a key

-

Akira walked in, checking to make sure his eyes weren’t still puffy, that his eyeliner wasn’t messed up.  _ Crunch.  _ He winced as he stepped on one of many empty bags of chips. He didn’t see Futaba, so he sighed and knocked on the closet door.

“Tabby?”

_ “Go ahead and take a look. Take it apart. Whatever.” _

“I just wanted to apologize.”

_ “You don’t mean it.” _

“I do, Futaba. I yelled at you, made you feel like you did something wrong.”

_ “But I did.” _

“No, you were following orders. I was just too scared to see it.”

_ “... You mean that?” _

“I do. Now, I want to see what my genius sister made.”

-

πthon: alrightalrightalright, kassie, just tell them who you are now theres really no point in hiding it

l’egg: My name is ▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓. I’m not from your world.

steve: alien or dimension hopper

l’egg: Neither?

pancaek: so you’re still in the world you’re from?

l’egg: Yes, I am. Although, it’s hard to check nowadays, what with all the others being Feral…

ylvis: Feral?

l’egg: Ah, you all must not have reached that yet. They both do and don’t have Personas, leaving their minds a scrambled mess and their bodies fused with their Persona.

πthon: oh no it definitely happened to us, we just figured out a way to cure it

l’egg: WHAT???

πthon: unfortunately it’ll only be effective in what i assume are the early stages, because our heads were still clear

l’egg: Oh you have to be kidding me.

yuor devil: I know. It sucks.

yuor angle: out of curiosity, who was your carrier?   
l’egg: ?

yuor angle: the first one to be infected!

l’egg: Nobody. It all happened at once, as far as I’m aware.

Jared Leto: And we’re sure it’s the same thing???

l’egg: From what Oracle described, yes. I seem to be immune, but I can’t be sure…

npc: not without risking your life and/or sanity

finnish line: luckily our group was able to contain it to 3 people

l’egg: Hm. And you all are sure I don’t exist in your world?

Jared Leto: None of the rest of them can read your name so i think that’s a solid no

pancaek: why can you this is unfair

Jared Leto: Because by all technicalities she exists in that part of the multiverse i went to

Jared Leto: And no it is  _ not  _ the same one this one is way too different

l’egg: And here we see a rare mint condition Kassie, superbly fucked over by our great leader.

Jared Leto: I GET IT YOURE HOLDING A GRUDGE

Jared Leto: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL LITERALLY ANY BETTER I DON’T KNOW WHEN THIS HAPPENED

pancaek: lmao karma

ylvis: Karma for what?

πthon:  ** _karma._ **


	3. twinkshame crow

finnish line: aside from this week’s episode of Dimensional Bullshit™ yo goro

pancaek: ya

finnish line: you were famous once tell me something weird that happened to you

pancaek: when futaba grabbed my phone for no reason :///

finnish line: IT WAS A GOOD REASON

πthon: HEY YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL AKIRA

pancaek: >:T fake friends all around me today

Jared Leto: BITCH,

Jared Leto: YUUKI I KNOW U HAVE ACCESS TO THE CHATLOGS SEND ONE

npc: right away boss!

-

AceDefective: Sakura change my name back this instant.

java: lmao no

AceDefective: Every day I wonder why I call you all my friends. 

fool: :0 !!!! Friends???? :D <3

AceDefective: Nevermind. I remember now.

Todd: Oho?

Blondbeard: :eyes: :zoom: :zoom:

AceDefective: :gun:

fool: His first emoji im so proud

AceDefective: Why do you all have custom emojis anyways? Like, what’s the purpose of :frygana:?

zippers: it was 2 am and i was bored thus :frygana: was created

Blondbeard: thats also how :eg: was created

AceDefective: Is that just an egg? Why do I recognize that egg?

fool: I took a creepshot of ya while u were in leblanc one day then zoomed in on the egg

java: why does nobody mention my creation

AceDefective: Please tell me you didn’t make :twink:, Sakura.

java: oh but i did

Todd: Shut it, Futaba, I drew it.

java: ya but i came up with the concept and paid u for it

AceDefective: Don’t all emojis go through Niijima for prior approval first?

AceDefective: Did Niijima twinkshame me?

enchilada: Maybe so. 

AceDefective: WHERE DOES THAT NICKNAME EVEN COME FROM.

quesadilla: mako punched someone -> akira bought her brass knuckles -> brass knuckles -> knuckles -> knuckles the echidna -> knuckles the enchilada -> enchilada

quesadilla: and i just match her!

AceDefective: Do you legitimately have a flowchart for this group’s inside jokes?

quesadilla: yes, remind me to send you the book! it should be helpful~

AceDefective: Great, because :buttonmash: scares and confuses me.

zippers: KJDHFLSJKHDLKHSJDSDHJFKHJHJKDJHKSDF

Blondbeard: CAN WE GET AN F FOR MONA IN THE CHAT

fool: LMAOOOOOO I REMEMBER THAT KJFHDHFJDHJKKJF

java: mona says to scratch akira for him whoever is by him

AceDefective: On it, I’m at LeBlanc right now.

fool: Bro your nails are sharp, ow

AceDefective: I know. I just got them done yesterday.

AceDefective: Just scrolling through your emojis is a trip and a half. Do I want to understand :sadist:?

quesadilla: no, i don’t think so! :)

AceDefective: :Fear.jpg:

AceDefective: WAIT WHEN DID YOU EVEN GET THAT PICTURE OF ME

fool: Akechi you do know that yusuke goes to kosei right

fool: He literally took that picture of you (btw nice fall dingus :P)

AceDefective: Kitagawa I trusted you.

Todd: Futaba paid me to. Most of those creepshots of you are either Akira or I. A solid 20% is Futaba, however. And then another undefined percentage is an inside contact from Kosei.

AceDefective: That would explain :snez:.

java: :3c

java: i have more ugly pictures of the pt than the entirety of instagram akechi

AceDefective: I’m not sure if anything can top the picture Kurusu posted the other day.

java: oh that was mild tbh

fool: :Fear.jpg:

java: queen i just sent u a new potential emote~

enchilada: :woosh:

fool: NOOOOO NONONO OH MY GOD WHYYYY

AceDefective: What on earth.

Blondbeard: LMAO IM SAVING THAT

-

pancaek: when did u guys purge the emojis tho

Jared Leto: Blah blah blah ‘disrespecting the dead’ MAKOTO

yuor devil: I have a backup of all of them anyways.

πthon: re-add them i wanna show kassie my cursed memes

l’egg: Fear.

πthon: :smacc:

ylvis: Oh, come on! It was  _ one time! _

πthon: boi u slapped goro so hard he warped into the nth dimension

ylvis: That may have been on purpose.

pancaek: i dont blame u but OW


	4. dorm assignments are a lie

npc: in the jungle, the mighty jungle, my nightmares are here tonight

npc: a weeeeeee, weEEee eE E Um um a way

koolaid queen: beep beep boi im here

npc: hmghflrrhp

koolaid queen: yuuki i cant open ur door u doof

npc: fine ill answer the door just get in here n cuddle me :/

-

finnish line: my own gf,,,, leaving me for volleyball boy,,,,,

koolaid queen: girl

finnish line: ok fair dont expose me

Jared Leto: Ann i made waffles get in here or togo is gonna eat them all

finnish line: YEET

pancaek: dorm assignments are a lie we just sleep in whoever’s dorm is closest

steve: #truth im in harus dorm rn and hot damn whatever shes cooking smells good

yuor angle: oh, thank you!!! it should be done in a few minutes~

l’egg: And none of you are bothered by any of this?

Jared Leto: I’ve learned theres a point u reach where u dont even care if someone is crashing on ur bed if u know them

Jared Leto: You just sigh and tell them to scoot over so you can fit on

yuor devil: I cannot deny this.

Jared Leto: U blanket stealer

yuor devil: You signed up for it when you gave me a key to your dorm.

l’egg: You all just sleep in the same beds like it’s nothing?

πthon: lmao ya i’ve been labeled the group pillow stealer

yuor angle: yusuke is the blanket hogger!

yuor devil: Akira is a chronic cuddler. There is no escape from his spindly little arms.

ylvis: We’re all cuddlesluts and are basically family. We know each other way too well for anything to be weird anymore.

pancaek: i can and have worn haru’s clothes before

yuor angle: :3

Jared Leto: Speaking of which ann i think togo is wearing ur shirt considering it’s red and a crop top

finnish line: no thats hers i just borrow it a practically criminal amount

Jared Leto: Wait she owns the crop sweater????

togoparty: Yep. This skirt, however, is definitely Ann’s.

finnish line: nah girl that skirt is haru’s, that hairtie is mine tho

togoparty: That would explain the rhinestones, then.

l’egg: My group was nowhere near that close…

Jared Leto: I’ve also been with this one for almost 3 years now so that helps

steve: once i woke up bc someones fucken cold feet were on me and goro had invaded in the middle of the night, i screamed

pancaek: my blankets were in the wash and i was cold ://

steve: was that payback for when i stole ur coat

pancaek: yes

ylvis: I remember when Sojiro found me in his kitchen at 2 AM once.

Sakura_Kiss: That was terrifying

yuor devil: Me, waking up to see Futaba inches from my head: “This is normal.”

l’egg: What on Earth?

Jared Leto: Whenever a pt gets a new bed we have to christen it by showing up randomly to sleep on it

koolaid queen: the only one they notify first is me bc i asked them to everyone else gets a surprise

finnish line: also bc you punched ryuji that one time

koolaid queen: oops~

steve: it’s cool btw shiho do u mind if i steal ur couch tonight?? i have a test n dont wanna walk all the way back to my dorm tonight

koolaid queen: ya sure just remember to feed longstocking

finnish line: and reptilian lesbian jesus

koolaid queen: baybay got fed yesterday those two need fed today

steve: :yee:

steve: btw that emote is still horrific 2 years later nobody shouldve given futaba photoshop

Jared Leto: Y e e


	5. the birds work for haru

yuor angle: my house is so quiet when i go home nowadays! :(

πthon: thats bc youve gotten used to a rotating cast of pt residing in your home bc having our own houses who?

yuor angle: the spare bedrooms are collecting dust~

togoparty: Rip. 

πthon: the birds work for the bourgeoisie, haru is the bourgeoisie, the birds work for haru

-

Jared Leto: Living on campus costs so much money

yuor devil: You all are going to call me crazy, but I think I have a viable solution to both problems.

yuor angle: mako i already love this idea

Jared Leto: Do u mean,,,,

πthon: oh i know where this is going

yuor angle: would the thieves like to move in with me? 

Jared Leto:  _ @everyone  _ non-pt dont interact

steve: i mean im down

ylvis: What does rent look like?

yuor angle: ,,, no???

ylvis: I’m in.

πthon: prep a room for when i start college next year bc im in~~   
pancaek: i already live there but hell yea

finnish line: oh hell yes lets Go

shi a ho: as long as kio, baybay, and pip can come with!   
yuor angle: of course! that goes for sapphie and ramen too~

npc: im down to clown til im in the ground lets do it

togoparty: Sure! It’s much better than living with my mother.

yuor angle: so thats yes from everyone???

Jared Leto: Ya i think so, when should we start moving our stuff in

yuor angle: mmm, tomorrow?

Jared Leto: :yee:

-

Jared Leto: Haru where’s my closet

yuor angle: the door to the left of the bathroom door, akira!

Jared Leto: WTF i thought that was someone elses room

pancaek: no thats ur closet, as a heads up the closet Does have motion sensor lights

steve: holy shit this bed is like. ridiculously comfy

togoparty: That bathtub is huge.

shi a ho:  _ @finnish line  _ i think im in love with haru babe

finnish line: oh thats fucking valid me too

yuor devil: Bippity boppity back the fuck up. Stay in your lane.

πthon: aside from jealouskoto, hot damn this desk setup is nice

yuor angle: is everyone settled in???

ylvis: Just a moment!

ylvis: Done. Why?

yuor angle: come to the living room, it’s movie night!

-

shi a ho: this is so many snacks

πthon: haruuuuuuuu you’re too sweet to usssssssss heck

yuor devil: I love my wife! I love my wife!

togoparty: Shut it and join the cuddle puddle.

-

Jared Leto: Futaba stop throwing popcorn at yusuke

πthon: whaaat but he almost caught it!!!

ylvis: One more time?

πthon: YAS S S S S S S S S S S S S

yuor devil: Please stop screaming, I’m right here.

πthon: no u, also move ur elbow oof ouch my ribs

yuor devil: That’s not my elbow, Futaba. That’s Ann’s elbow.

finnish line: shhhhhhh

yuor angle: goro i saw you wince at that hug go change this instant!

pancaek: :/ dont feel like it

yuor angle: goro akechi.

pancaek: :/

yuor angle: hmm, i mean i do have your comfy big shirt and the jammie pants in the dryer, they should be warm by now, but i guess you dont want to wear them~

pancaek:  _ !!!!!! _

yuor devil: There he goes.

pancaek: YEETING THE BINDER OFF MY BODY AS WE SPEAK

Jared Leto: Hell yeah get that rib health boi

pancaek: oh my god theyre so warm i might actually cry haru i love you

yuor angle: !!! ♡ :D

yuor devil: That’s so sweet, get in here Goro.

pancaek:  _ i am yeeted into the cuddle puddle _

-

Jared Leto: I love you guys so much

steve: i love that man with my entire being

ylvis: Same.

πthon: we love u too bby <3 :yusukelove: :monapurr: :puregal:

shi a ho: i have no clue whos room im in but im crashing here lmao

pancaek: probably mine, its chill YO ROOK

togoparty: YEAH CROW?

pancaek: CAN I CRASH IN YOUR ROOM TONIGHT

togoparty: SURE!

pancaek: THANKS

steve: yallre my family now im sorry i dont make the rules

Jared Leto: That gets me thinking hang on

ylvis: Oh, are you finally making that family tree?

Jared Leto: Ye

πthon: this is gonna be perfect

npc: what family tree???

πthon: date back to when akira was dead

-

sHOT: The pt family is wild now that i think abt it like. makoto is our mom right

Edgy Blonde: ya def, haru is our other mom

Fashion Blonde: haha theyre in lesbians

sHOT: Anyways like. what would that family tree even look like

team badass: Hell. Don’t you dare.

sHOT: :( Someday

braincell holder: hah u fucken nerd mom shut you down

sHOT: mOMMMMMM FUTABA IS BEING MEAN TO ME

-

l’egg: I’d like to request to be that one weird cousin that everyone is pretty sure is adopted, but nobody is absolutely certain.

Jared Leto: Done and done

leavenza.me.alone: Are you putting us in as the twins or as me?

Jared Leto: Uhhhhhh yes???

leavenza.me.alone: Very well.

Jared Leto: Looking at this makes me realize how many people i consider family

steve: gee its almost like people here love you dearly

pancaek: wait who am i on there

Jared Leto: Okay technically you’re,,,,, uncle goro bc ur haru’s brother

pancaek: SWEET

Jared Leto: Our family dynamic is confusing as shit

πthon: yeah but it works

Jared Leto: Truuuuuu


	6. :buttonmash:

_ “MOMMMMMM!” _ Makoto groaned as she heard Akira yelling from across the house. Haru sighed.

“Your turn, Mako. He probably got his hand stuck in a pickle jar again.”

“Nn… But I want to stay here.”

“If you do, there’ll be a fire.”

_ “MOMMMMMMMMMM! ANN IS BEING MEAN!” _

_ “NO I’M NOT! MOM, COME TELL AKIRA I’M NOT!” _

“Another day in the world of parenting, Haru. I love you, be back soon.”

-

yuor devil: Next time you and Ann have a fight, I’m not helping to clean it up.

finnish line: it was one scorch mark!!! one!!!!!!!!!

l’egg: Did I ever mention to you all that Oracle has a filter on me?

Jared Leto: Lmao why

l’egg: Oracle, could you remove the filter?

npc: shes not awake but i can real quick

l’egg: t̴H̷I̴s̶ ̴I̶S̴ ̵w̸h̵y̶.̶ ̶w̷e̴ ̷t̶H̴I̸n̴k̴ ̴T̸H̷A̶t̵ ̵t̶H̷e̵ ̵w̴o̶R̶d̵S̵ ̶g̶e̷T̸ ̷D̸I̷s̵T̵O̷r̴t̷E̴d̶ ̸b̷E̶C̵A̶u̸S̶e̸ ̸t̶h̴e̶y̴ ̴D̸O̵n̴'̷T̸ ̷Q̸u̵I̴t̸E̷ ̷t̸R̶A̴n̶S̸F̷e̶R̸ ̵P̶r̵O̴P̸E̵r̶l̶Y̶.̸

Jared Leto: Yo what the shit

l’egg: So, filter or no filter?

Jared Leto: Filter jesus fucking christ

yuor devil: I am confused and afraid.

l’egg: You and me both, Queen.

Jared Leto: wait mishima take it off of her for a sec i have an idea

l’egg: W̴H̸y̵ ̶G̸O̴d̵?̶

Jared Leto: Check ur dms and bold it xoxo  _ @pancaek _

l’egg:  **.̸.̶.̴ ̸g̸O̴R̸O̷ ̷A̵k̵e̷c̸H̵I̸ ̴I̴S̵ ̶A̷ ̵F̶i̴l̴T̴h̶Y̸ ̴b̴l̴a̷N̶K̶e̴t̶ ̵s̷t̷E̶A̸L̷e̷r̴ ̷W̴H̵o̴ ̸m̵U̶S̶T̶ ̵a̷T̷o̴n̴e̵ ̴F̷O̷r̵ ̶h̷i̵s̶ ̸s̷i̴n̶s̸.̴**

pancaek: Akira Kurusu I Am Going To Murder You For Real This Time I Nearly Screamed

Jared Leto: ;3 Hot xoxoxo :kisskiss: ~

pancaek: i hate you

Jared Leto: <3 :sparkleheart: :yusukelove: :winkwonk:

ylvis: I have One (1) boyfriend.

steve: i also have One (1) boyfriend

Jared Leto: BAAAAABBBBEEEEESSSS :(

-

πthon: ohhhh my god lmao

steve: what

πthon: one of my favorite ‘im bored in class’ hobbies is going through old pt chatlogs and

πthon: why didnt you tell me the origin of :buttonmash:

steve: DKJDHKJHKDHJHJDHJFJKHDFKJFKHJHDFJH

finnish line: f UCK   
Jared Leto: HAHAHA I ALWAYS FORGET ABPUT THAT EJFHKKJHFHF

pancaek: pls fill the rest of us in

πthon: gimme .5

-

Panther: akira i cannot BELIEVE you

Joker: Believe it sweaty ;) <3

Skull: but did u have to fucking button mash

Joker: Yes, yes i did

Panther: i thought bully morgana hours was at midnight not on the train

Skull: ann u fool its always bully morgana hours

Joker: Bully morgana hours is forever and always babes

Panther: you whispered “time to button mash” in my ear and before i could process

Panther: WHAM

Skull: i think u effin killed mona

Joker: Mona lisa is finnneeeeeee

Panther: MONA LISA DJBSKHAHLAKHJDKJ

Skull: ,,,, morgan from the magic tree house

Joker: SKULL HOLY SHIT IM WHEEZIIGNN BDHJKHDSHJK

-

Jared Leto: And that children is the origin of :buttonmash:

pancaek: , im actually crying holy shit

Jared Leto: Omg i found a pic, makoto its in ur dms can we have it as an emote please

yuor devil: :getmallowed:

πthon: DJKHHSFHHHKSJHHJKHKJFHJKSHKJF

Sakura_Kiss: Disowned

Jared Leto: That was a beautiful week

Sakura_Kiss: Futaba is never allowed to have marshmallows in my home again

yuor angle: she can have them in mine!!!

πthon: hell yeah, ultimate mom


	7. >:3

πthon: oh my god i think this sub is crazy

shi a ho: SPILL

πthon: kawakami is sick and so this sub,,,, im ,osing my shit

πthon: HES LIKE 75 AND IM WHEEZIUIUGN

Jared Leto: Ohhhh my god is it spoons guy

πthon: sPOONS??????

Jared Leto: How many minutes has it been

πthon: like 20

Jared Leto: 3, 2, 1…

πthon: THE SPOONS EMERGE

finnish line: THE SPOONS MUST ARRIVE

npc: SPOONS SPOONS SPOONS

πthon: , either he’s high or im high because What The Fuck

πthon: are my classmates seeing this?????? am i seeing this?????

πthon: wait which student did he flip off

Jared Leto: OH lmao thats me

πthon: WHAT

πthon: DUUUUDE

πthon: , did he tell you the face story or-

Jared Leto: You’re not high, he told it to our class too

npc: god i love the face story

finnish line: butterfly leg tho

πthon: butterfly le- oh

πthon: OH EW

npc: quick put your phone away

finnish line: please oh god

πthon: o shit i think he caught me 

πthon: he def caught me wish me luck

Jared Leto: F for the purity of our group chat

finnish line: F

npc: F

πthon: Hey lit nerds whats up sk8ers rawr XD UwU

Jared Leto: There he is

finnish line: the man the myth the legend

npc: @ spam incoming

πthon:  _ @everyone  _ Sakura Futaba UwU’d on my wife

πthon:  _ @everyone  _ Yeehaw

πthon:  _ @everyone  _ Crackin open a cold one with the boys

πthon:  _ @everyone  _ Why werent you at elf practice

πthon:  _ @everyone  _ [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2RxqErXFl8 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2RxqErXFl8)

πthon:  _ @everyone  _ It’s time

πthon:  _ @everyone  _ Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah (Yeah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ark)

yuor devil: No. I remember this. I know what’s about to happen.

yuor devil: You all are on your own.

**yuor devil has muted πthon!**

**yuor devil has left “anxiety gays”!**

Jared Leto: Yeah, yeah 

finnish line: yeah-ah-ah, yeah-ah-ah 

npc: yeah-ah-ah 

Jared Leto: Yeah, yeah, yeah

finnish line: seven a.m., waking up in the morning

npc: gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs

Jared Leto: Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal 

finnish line: seein' everything, the time is goin' 

npc: tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin' 

Jared Leto: Gotta get down to the bus stop 

finnish line: gotta catch my bus, i see my friends (my friends) 

npc: kickin' in the front seat 

Jared Leto: Sittin' in the back seat 

finnish line: gotta make my mind up 

npc: which seat can i take? 

Jared Leto: IT’S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY

finnish line: EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND (WEEKEND)

npc: FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GETTIN DOWN ON FRIDAY

Jared Leto: EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND

finnish line: PARTYIN’ PARTYIN’ (YEAH!)

npc: PARTYIN’ PARTYIN’ (YEAH!)

Jared Leto: FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN

**πthon unmuted πthon!**

πthon: EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND


	8. jack frosts don't have bones

πthon: are pickles a fruit

yuor angle: yes and no! a little bit of both, i’d say~

πthon: i was just shitposting wtf

yuor devil: But what may be considered “just a shitpost”? Shitposting is the foundation of our Internet today, of our memes, of some of the stories we will tell our children and grandchildren decades from now, wistful smiles upon our faces as we recount the memories of a time long past. Shitposting shows the true soul and heart behind a human, shows their morals, their values, their love. Sometimes, shitposting is the only way to reveal the truth.

pancaek: makoto that was beautiful

leavenza.me.alone: What on Earth is a “shitpost”?

Jared Leto: OHOHO

Jared Leto: I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED

Jared Leto: I dmed you an explanation and some links, my poor little warden is growing up so fast :,)

πthon: i cant wait to see her reaction to fuckin. memes

πthon: my fav is 🅱️oneless 🅱️izza

yuor angle: i want her to see loss.jpg~!

ylvis: Mister Sandman! Man me a sand! (bum bum bum bum) Make him the cutest, man car door hook hand!

yuor devil: Absolutely not, no.

Jared Leto: I know you have a meme in mind for her queen

yuor devil: … C r e e p e r .

Jared Leto: AWW MAN

togoparty: NO. Absolutely not. No. Not after the Mementos incident.

steve: ! i have the perfect one to start her out on

leavenza.me.alone: Oh?

steve: these should send you down just the right rabbithole

steve:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeoHCSubzTY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeoHCSubzTY)

steve:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aX92cc8Csgc ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aX92cc8Csgc)

pancaek: ryuji you are going to create a monster

steve:  ** _NUMBER 15: BURGER KING FOOT LETTUCE. THE LAST THING YOU'D WANT IN YOUR BURGER KING BURGER IS SOMEONE'S FOOT FUNGUS. BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, THAT MIGHT BE WHAT YOU GET._ **

pancaek: fear noises

-

leavenza.me.alone: Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

pancaek: n, no

-

SakaMotoMoto: mementos incident???

togoparty: Oh, this is a prime story of stupidity. So, we were doing a whole-team Mementos run, and in the middle of battle with the Reaper,  _ while he was on the front lines _ , Joker shouted “Creeper!”

SakaMotoMoto: oh no

togoparty: So,  _ literally all of the rest of them  _ practically SCREAMED “Aw man!” and went at the Reaper like he was a Jack Frost with osteoporosis!

togoparty:  _ Jack Frosts don’t even have bones, Mom. _

togoparty: And for the next three hours, do you want to know what was bass boosted and on loop, blaring from Prometheus with absolutely no concern for our eardrums or the fact that Shadows could hear us from a mile away?

SakaMotoMoto: ,,,, revenge?

togoparty:  ** _Fucking. Revenge._ **

Jared Leto: Heehee oopsie

steve: creeper!

yuor devil: AW MAN.

togoparty: NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.


	9. jailbreak saturday

yuor angle: huh,,, thinking about it my father really was an asshole

Jared Leto: I got a chat rule ping who- oh hey haru, guess futaba didnt set u to exempt

yuor angle: hi akira!!!! i suppose not, but that’s quite alright by me~!

togoparty: Chat rule ping?

Jared Leto: We have a bot that pings us over DM if a chat rule is broken and blocks the words for certain users, futaba made it

togoparty: ,,, Chat rule?

yuor angle: fuck we never told her those

Jared Leto: Makoto im sorry in advance for all these pings

Jared Leto: No kamoshida talk, no madarame talk, kaneshiro talk only if prior approved by a mod (makoto or i), futaba palace talk only with prior approval from futaba, no shido palace talk, sae palace talk heavily limited and only with permission from sae/me/makoto/all, no talk of my arrest unless prior approved, no talk of my solitary unless prior approved, no talk of the shujin incidents period (if u dont know what they are message yuuki), no talk of goro’s “death”, talk of loki (persona) heavily monitored, and uhhhh i cant think of the rest

yuor angle: no talk of my father (kunikazu okumura), talk of wakaba isshiki susceptible to removal at any point, principal kobayakawa has been given the tentative go-ahead but that can be changed at any time, no talk of my former fiance (sugimura), and if you arent sure about certain things then ask!!!!

yuor devil:  ** _16 rule pings. Who the fuck wants to- _ ** Oh, are we just explaining to Togo?

Jared Leto: Yeppers

finnish line: all me-related rules just look like a lot of redacted to me, congrats futaba ur bot is doing great

npc: same here! all good, futaba

πthon: good i spent two days on building that, togo if you have any rules that needed to be added ever it’s a simple process, just dm me!!!

togoparty: I’ll keep that all in mind.

-

**You have (1) new notification from togoparty!**

togoparty: Shujin incidents?

npc: they all relate to k-word in some way, which probably tells you right off the bat how bad it is.

npc: shiho, shiho’s prequel, ann, ryuji’s leg.

togoparty: I see. Thank you for informing me.

npc: no prob bob if you ever use those against them i fucking kill you

togoparty: Noted.

-

l’egg: This group is so organized compared to mine…

Jared Leto: Isnt ur group all feral

l’egg: … Fair. At least Mona has some semblance of manners still.

Jared Leto: Idk what you mean that cat never has manners

Jared Leto: OW HE SCRATCHED ME

ylvis: Hah! You deserved it.

pancaek: lmao :P

Jared Leto: Goro shut up or u die again

pancaek: not if i kill u first >:3c

πthon:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp-N_9fJL6g ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp-N_9fJL6g)

yuor devil: It’s true but you shouldn’t say it.

yuor angle: ah, is it thy cursed day?

steve: omg

finnish line: JAILBREAK SATURDAY, YEEHAW

ylvis: Does Shiho have the chat muted?

finnish line: yep! we are free to say the k-word!

ylvis: Alright. Jailbreak Saturday begins.

yuor angle: sugimura can eat my teeth!

yuor devil: My sister’s palace can go suck toes.

Jared Leto: lm a o im *de a d*

pancaek: worm worm worm worm

shi a ho: kamoshida can jump in a fucking river kthxbye

npc: *dabs in fuck off kamoshida*

finnish line: you know where kamoshida can go stick his goddamn medal

steve: WOOOOOO JAILBREAK SATURDAY, CAN I GET A SOLID FUCK YOU FOR KUNIKAZU OKUMURA

pancaek: it’s fuck shido hours

pancaek: megamind lookin ass

pancaek: he looks like ian hawke

Jared Leto: goro someday we should cover his car in pics of ian hawke

pancaek: YES

jessica rabbit: Oh, it’s Jailbreak Saturday? Fuck Masayoshi Shido.

Sakura_Kiss: Fuck shido

l’egg: Jailbreak Saturday?

Jared Leto: First saturday of every month the chat rules dont apply, logs from that day are deleted, go buckwild

Jared Leto: KANESHIROS PALACE WAS BULLSHIT SEND TWEET

l’egg: Okay, does that mean I can ask a question that may be blacklisted normally?

yuor devil: Go ahead. It may be deleted.

l’egg: Is Goro Akechi alive?

pancaek: uh, duh, it me

l’egg: HOLY SHIT

l’egg: Sorry, where I’m from, he’s dead!

pancaek: gimme a sec to send proof

**pancaek sent me.jpg!**

l’egg: … What the hell happened to you?

pancaek: what exactly disturbs you

pancaek: the hawaiian shirt, the long hair, the septum ring, the shrek pants, or the crocs?

l’egg: Yes? I thought you were a detective!

pancaek: HAHA no

pancaek: not anymore baby, i am re-ti-red

pancaek: kickin back and getting my degree in business

l’egg: Also, when did you get your septum pierced?

pancaek: like last year (thanks makoto xoxoxo <3 u did amazing)

l’egg: This is a lot to take in… How many of you have piercings?

πthon: me! party happened, i got pierced, i kept it

jessica rabbit: Me! Also at a party.

Jared Leto: Me, not at a party my bfs held my hand when i cried bc pain :(

yuor devil: Me, Akira is a little bitch.

steve: me!!! tongue and ears

yuor angle: me~~ it is a navel piercing, and i usually keep it covered

l’egg: And… Tattoos?

jessica rabbit: Me! 

yuor devil: Me.

ylvis: Me.

l’egg: That’s a lot less than I expected.

ylvis: Well, the others would like to be hirable…

yuor devil: Mine are easily covered!

jessica rabbit: As are mine.

Jared Leto: Yusuke is our wild thing in this group ♡

ylvis: ♡

steve: im surprised makoto hasnt pierced him yet lmao

ylvis: Oh, it will happen. Just give it time.

yuor devil: :eyes:

ylvis: I still need to figure out where I want to get pierced! Give it time.

yuor devil: Oh, alright. Let me know when you decide!

ylvis: You know I will.

l’egg: I know that Futaba dyes her hair, but what about the rest of you?

steve: y o i n k s

ylvis: Hello, it’s me.

l’egg: Confirmed, Yusuke is the group wild thing. 

Jared Leto: Its true and i love him <3 

ylvis: Love you too, Akira. ♡

steve: we out here feelin Left Out

Jared Leto: Boi im cuddling you right exactly now

ylvis: I literally am right next to you.

steve: ( ˃̶͈ ̯ ̜ ˂̶͈ˊ ) ︠³

Jared Leto: ( ´• ౩•` )

ylvis: Just come here, you two.

πthon: FUCKIN GROSS, KEEP THE PDA OFF OF MAIN

Jared Leto: Sorry i cant hear u over my beautiful bfs ♡

l’egg: Not even surprised.

yuor devil: You get used to it. Honestly, when it comes to the couples, I think only Haru and I are innocent when it comes to PDA on main.

yuor angle: makooooo~

yuor devil: … We are not innocent.

πthon: not in the slightest o(｀Д´*)o

yuor devil:  _ What have you seen? _

πthon:  _ you’re fucking lucky that i have admin privileges, queen. fucking. lucky. _

yuor devil: *Fear noises.*


	10. IT:S FOTHERMUCKIGN H A L L O W E E N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S TIME TO GET FUCKING 𝙎 𝙋 𝙊 𝙊 𝙆 𝙔

steve: daily reminder that my mom is cool as shit

SakaMotoMoto: you’re cooler, ruru!

steve: ♡ ily mom

SakaMotoMoto: ily2!!!

Jared Leto: Need me a mom like that,,,

SakaMotoMoto: we’ve been over this, dear, i’m your mom now, by the power of in-laws!

Jared Leto: Love you mom

SakaMotoMoto: love you too!!!!

-

jessica rabbit: THE CAT FUCKING SPEAKS HUMAN?!

Jared Leto: Oh yeah we probs shouldve told u that before we had u cat-sit

Jared Leto: He understands you too so thats fun, just throw on a shitty movie for him or something

jessica rabbit: … He wants to 1v1 me in Smash.

Jared Leto: Lets get an f in the chat for sae

yuor devil: _ F. _

yuor angle: f!!!

πthon: fuckign f

ylvis: F.

jessica rabbit: Why is the cat so good at Smash?

Jared Leto: I was dead what was i supposed to do

πthon: u nerd you couldve asked me to come over man you did it all the time before we finished megamind’s palace

Jared Leto: Yeah but you knew about a _ ~thing~ _and questioned me relentlessly abt it

πthon: oops :3c

steve: akira what did you tell her about

Jared Leto: ,

Jared Leto: What answer won’t get me hit with the strongest zio you can muster

steve: oh you did _ not _

Jared Leto: Oops???

finnish line: loose lips sink ships~

Jared Leto: Ann while thats really funny considering the context now really isnt the time

steve: aKIRAAAAAAAAAAAA

koolaid queen: beans. spill em.

Jared Leto: Nah

togoparty: Please?

steve: HELL no now everyone go the fucc to bed we have helloween tomorrow

-

pancaek: ok im not saying that we should egg his house but i found out where shido lives and

yuor angle: what are you, a child???

yuor angle: we can’t _just_ egg his house!!!

Jared Leto: Omg yas

steve: he’ll be out for halloween so maybe later tonight????

pancaek: yeah he has to check in with a psychiatrist since he was in solitary confinement for a while, he’ll be gone until 8 in the morning

Jared Leto: TASTE SOLITARY, _ BITCH _

Jared Leto: HOWD U LIKE THAT

Jared Leto: NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK TO ANYBODY BUT THE GUARD WHO BRINGS YOUR FOOD

Jared Leto: HUH???? _ HUH?????? _

Jared Leto: WANTING TO GET SOME SORT OF SENSORY INPUT OTHER THAN FLOOR AND WALL SO U END UP PUNCHING THE GROUND UNTIL YOU START BLEEDING TO SEE A COLOR OTHER THAN GREY

Jared Leto: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GET TAZED WHEN U STAND ON THE TABLE TO SEE A BIT OF THE OUTSIDE  
Jared Leto: HOW DO U LIKE THAT, SHIDO

finnish line: are you okay

Jared Leto: Haha no

shi a ho: ok i hear your solitary and raise you not being able to feel your legs when u wake up in a hospital room surrounded by doctors where the only color is white

Jared Leto: I raise you my whole-ass two months in solitary and also grey is so much worse

shi a ho: fair,,,, u win this round

Jared Leto: Hehehe >:3

steve: u two good fam???

shi a ho: lol yeah

Jared Leto: As long as i never see the color grey again yeah

πthon: wtf is that why you bought those shorts instead of the grey ones with NO WRITING

Jared Leto: Which shorts

Jared Leto: The save a horse ride a cowboy ones or the ones that say gay in hot pink and glitter

πthon: BOTH WTF

Jared Leto: _ @ylvis _ hey yusuke bb help me finish the look

**Jared Leto sent cowboy.jpg!**

ylvis: Thigh high red high heels and a crop top, one that’s the most horrendous shade of pink you own. Perhaps the “yeehaw” one?

Jared Leto: Thank u babe ♡ gonna wear this on halloween date night tonight

steve: only if i can wear the skeleton costume

ylvis: I… Why.

Jared Leto: Its ok i have one for you too

ylvis: Oh dear god. It’s a fursuit, isn’t it?

Jared Leto: ,,,, Maybe

ylvis: In neon colors?

steve: he’s onto us

**Jared Leto sent foxy.jpg!**

ylvis: … Fine.

steve: YESSSSS

Jared Leto: SCORE 1 FOR TEAM AKIRA AND RYUJI

πthon: im just going as a teletubby

finnish line: i’m going as bob ross!

shi a ho: im going as a happy little tree

npc: i’m actually going as hawaiian punch

yuor devil: I’m going as a devil.

yuor angle: i’m going as an angel!!

togoparty: A ghost. Like, a sheet ghost.

πthon: im making morgana go as the baby sun so i can hold him over my head

Jared Leto: Which teletubby are u

πthon: dipsy, dipsy doesnt get enough love

pancaek: i mean,,,, im kind of obvious

Jared Leto: pancake???

pancaek: no im going as troy bolton

Jared Leto: LEGIT???? SEND PICS

**pancaek sent allinthistogether.jpg!**

togoparty: Change of plans. I’m going to be Sharpay Evans whether you like it or not.

pancaek: RAD

togoparty: To not getting hit on wherever I go!

Jared Leto: And everyone knows that we all meet at leblanc (thanks sojiro) to party later

yuor angle: i’ll bring booze!!!

yuor devil: I’ll make sure you don’t die.

yuor angle: so no vodquila

yuor devil: _ NO. _

-

ylvis: I AM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU SLOWLY. HOW DID YOU ALL EVEN CHANGE THAT FAST.

πthon: colette cult bitch

yuor angle: truth or dare timeeee!!!! :DDD

-

“Okay… Haru. Truth or dare?”

“Truth!”

“Hmm… When did you and Makoto first kiss? Like, in this timeline.”

-

It was after the end of Shido’s Palace. The two had abandoned the group in favor of each other, and were walking home together. Makoto resisted the urge to take Haru’s hand as Haru said,

“We… Did it. No more Phantom Thieves, no more… Us. What now?” Makoto shrugged as Haru looked to the sky.

“I don’t know. I mean, we could do whatever we want but… We’re still kids. We’re kids, and we have college applications and tests, and… I don’t know.” Makoto chuckled.

“Mako-chan… We all still have each other, right? We won’t stop talking just because we aren’t stealing hearts together, will we?” Haru’s eyes filled with tears.

“No, Haru! Haru, I would never leave you.” Haru sniffled.

“Good. Because I love you, all of you. And I don’t want to be left behind.” Makoto’s breath caught in her throat.

“Even me?” Haru pulled Makoto under an awning and caressed her cheek.

“Especially you. Can I…?” Makoto pulled Haru to her.

-

Jared Leto: Btrkwjki i thought that you only got together a bit before ryuji and i did

yuor devil: We were on-again off-again girlfriends. We weren’t official or anything until then.

steve: so friends with benefits

πthon: FHDFKJJKFJK RYUJI GOING IN FOR THE KILL

yuor angle: no, nonono!!! makoto is trying to say that while we werent _ dating _, we went on dates

pancaek: and sometimes i caught you texting her

yuor angle: SHUT UP THOSE ARE PRIVATE

yuor devil: _ You read those? _

pancaek: unfortunately.

steve: SDJFAKHJSFDKHSJKH EXPOSED

npc: o fUCK YALL YUSUKE GOES HARD AT PARTIES

ylvis: You all are awful. 

πthon: u just dont wanna play spin the bottle

finnish line: which FUTABA is going to sit out because shes smart unlike us dumdums

-

Jared Leto: HAH RYUJI YOU HAVE TO KISS MISHIMA AGAIN

steve: fuuuu

npc: pucker up bitch

ylvis: This is amazing.

shi a ho: yuuki spin the bottle!!!!!!

Jared Leto: Ok first of all this isnt allowed to be weird 

npc: yeah im with u on that

pancaek: HAHH THIS IS POETIC JUSTICE

pancaek: o fuck wait no i guess i have to kiss akira

pancaek: ,,,, O FUCK

yuor devil: This is the worst. Just do it already, get it over with.

yuor devil: OH GOD, I’M TAKING THE DAMN SHOT.

steve: yeah im w u on that one, no thanks

steve: hhheeeyyyyyy togo,,,, maybe let’s take that shot

togoparty: No, do it you coward. Pucker up.

togoparty: Shiho, you cool with this?

shi a ho: yea lets do this

πthon: its fuckin hilarious to watch ur gay asses kiss another gender

ylvis: Hey, Shiho? Let’s take the shot.

shi a ho: yeah lets do that

finnish line: aaalright it’s official im in hell, let’s smooch and get it over with

ylvis: A-fucking-greed.

yuor angle: oh thank god,,,,

finnish line: you have no idea how happy i am rn

yuor angle: !!!! mako-chan!!!!

Jared Leto: Christ almighty everyone evacuate

πthon: MY EYES, MY POOR INNOCENT EYES

ylvis: Innocent? _ Really? _

πthon: stop calling me out while i’m being traumatized

steve: makoto, haru? y’all are _ nasty _

Mama_Sakamoto: i log on for one minute…

jessica rabbit: Think about how I feel. There’s a Halloween party and I wasn’t invited?

npc: makoto didn’t want you to see her get absolutely rekt but if you bring the good stuff then we’ll sneak you in

πthon: if ur a cool adult i’ll even delete ur search history from my files

Sakura_Kiss: Futaba isshiki sakura

πthon: nvm

shi a ho: get told by your dad u fuck

togoparty: Wait, I have a question for Futaba. If your mom had black hair and Sojiro has black hair, _ how the hell do you have red hair _???

Sakura_Kiss: WAIT

πthon: nonononono omg!!!!!

Jared Leto: SVKSKGKGSGKDGKS WAIT U ACTUALLY THOUGHT SOJIRO WAS HER BIOLOGICAL DAD

togoparty: Yes?

πthon: first of all, i dye my hair!!! second, sojiro is my _ adoptive _father! no blood relation

steve: ya, futaba and i go dye shopping together sometimes because the first time she bleached it herself and YIKES her roots were _ messy _

πthon: dHEHSGE MY HAIR GOT SO DAMAGED YOU NEARLY CRIED

pancaek: well flan-hair is one to talk about messy roots

steve: I TOLD U TO STOP CALLING ME FLAN

Jared Leto: It’s ok bb your flan hair is cute if we squint

steve: sTOP BULLYIGN ME THIS IS ASSAULT,,,

ylvis: [ https://www.lactaid.com/recipes/easy-flan ](https://www.lactaid.com/recipes/easy-flan)

ylvis: How Ryuji was born.

steve: >:(

Mama_Sakamoto: ooh is it roast ryuji hours??

steve: MOMMY PLS

finnish line: tbh ryuji your hair _ does _kinda look like flan

steve: ANN I THOUGHT WE WERE ADHD BUDDIES

finnish line: >:3c

-

Jared Leto: Sae whyyyyy

jessica rabbit: I thought it would be a good idea. It wasn’t.

npc: DO YOU FUCKIBG THINK SO


	11. the aftermath

Jared Leto: So, let’s Discuss whatever happened last night

πthon: yes please i woke up on the roof

l’egg: … Some sort of attack?

ylvis: No, our parties are just wild as all hell. 

l’egg: How wild are we talking?

steve: i woke up in DRAG kassie

steve: i dont even remember how this happened!!!

finnish line: my bad

steve: Y O U

finnish line: listen listen listen listen, sae brought the good stuff okay

finnish line: i was fuckigbn smashed

jessica rabbit: Don’t put the blame on me! Haru started it!

yuor angle: don’t give me that bullshit, sae, you were the one who suggested it~!

yuor devil: My head hurts.

Jared Leto: If you can drag yourself down the stairs i have aftermath breakfast ready

finnish line: aki honey

finnish line:  ** _how_ **

Jared Leto: There are hundreds of voices constantly screaming over each other in my head this is nothing

koolaid queen: hey quick question akira

Jared Leto: Ya?

koolaid queen: does leblanc by chance have say, a washing machine?

Jared Leto: No why

koolaid queen: ,,, it does now !

Jared Leto: Makoto, haru, yusuke, you’re helping me return that once our bones don’t hurt

ylvis: Fineeeeee.

πthon: WHO TP’D LEBLANC

npc: my bad

togoparty: Has anyone seen Goro?

πthon: he isnt on the roof

koolaid queen: he isn’t chilling in the washing machine with me

ylvis: He isn’t under the bed with me.

steve: he isnt crammed into the bathroom with me

Jared Leto: Uhhhhhhh gays

steve: what

Jared Leto:  _ Did we bychance leave him at shido’s? _

yuor devil: Oh fuck!

yuor angle: oh no

Jared Leto: I hope one of us is good to drive the monabus we’re taking the fast way everyone, that includes you sae

πthon: i have the laser pointer let’s bounce

Mama_Sakamoto: ,,, remind me to never go to a phantom thieves party

Sakura_Kiss: Seconded

-

ylvis: I found him. His phone is very broken.

πthon: haha hes dead

Jared Leto: How is crow’s corpse doing????

ylvis: Goro says he’s extremely hungover and is also crying over his phone.

yuor angle: please tell him not to cry and that i’ll buy him a new phone!!

ylvis: He says, and I quote, “Haru Okumura is a fucking blessing, she saved my life, cleared my skin, watered my crops, is buying me a new phone, dried my tears, gave me a room in her giantass mansion, and I just love her so fucking much.”

ylvis: He’s crying again.

yuor angle: send me your location, i can calm him down!!!

-

ylvis: Never in my life did I think I’d see a hungover Haru Okumura rocking and singing to an even more hungover Goro Akechi. I feel blessed.

yuor devil: GET VIDEO.

ylvis: I was recording from the moment Haru took Goro.

yuor devil: You’re the only bitch in this squad that I’ve ever fucking respected.

ylvis: We both appreciate Haru’s beauty, and in that, we are bonded.

Jared Leto: In short MlM WlW solidarity

ylvis: Precisely.


	12. jeans

**yuor angle has added Akechi Goro to “anxiety gays”!**

Akechi Goro: whaddup sluts just got out of phoneless hell

Jared Leto: Ur username is garbage goro

Akechi Goro: fuk u what do you want my name to be

Jared Leto: hm

Jared Leto: waffle house

Akechi Goro: ,,,,

**Akechi Goro has changed Akechi Goro’s name to “WaffleHouse”!**

l’egg: OMG.

WaffleHouse: fuck u twirly im gæ

finnish line: and somehow the team model

WaffleHouse: listen ann i’d give you my looks any day

finnish line: AWWWWWWWW

finnish line: i think thats the most love u’ve ever shown me before im a crow stan now

WaffleHouse: we need to go shopping together again, it was so fun last time!

finnish line: OMG YESYESYES

yuor devil: Do you guys remember when Ann specifically said she’d rather give up her left kidney than be friends with Akechi “Motherfucking Asshole” Goro?

Jared Leto: Eat ur words ann xoxoxo

finnish line: that was when he was trying to kill people i feel like i was justified

WaffleHouse: agreed 

-

**You have (1) new message from WaffleHouse!**

WaffleHouse: also ann you left your jeans in my room again im trying them on

finnish line: FUCK THE ACID WASH ONES WITH THE RIPS????

WaffleHouse: ya theyre really cute actually

finnish line: dude send me so many pics i stg if you dont

WaffleHouse: i will, don’t worry, i’m probs gonna try to pair it with That One Shirt

finnish line: ,,,, you mean,,

WaffleHouse: mhm!

finnish line: B O Y

finnish line: send pics omfg

WaffleHouse: you already know i will ann

WaffleHouse: i’ll never know how we’re the same size for jeans

**WaffleHouse sent jeans.png!**

finnish line: i. i suddenly need to see you in this in person

finnish line: please please please let me do your hair

WaffleHouse: of course :P bring over your makeup while we’re at it we might as well turn this into a Look™ 

finnish line: I AM FUCKING Z O O M I N G

-

WaffleHouse: hot damn i look good

finnish line: never underestimate my power

yuor devil: What did you do to him???

WaffleHouse: god’s work, makoto, god’s work

yuor angle: can confirm!

finnish line: fuck the police this was by far the best birthday party ever

WaffleHouse: :D


	13. shiho angst time!

koolaid queen: ann

koolaid queen: annie please

koolaid queen: i dojnt rem ember how to make bhebr know on gher phione

steve:  _ @finnish line _

koolaid queen: thankyou

finnish line: i’m here, love, i’m here, talk to me

koolaid queen: i was wathcing th e nws and i saw  _ him  _ and

finnish line: breathe, shiho, breathe, i’m here

koolaid queen: n eed your voic e

finnish line: i’m in class, love, i can’t

koolaid queen: please

finnish line: ,,,, give me a minute, is it okay if i just call you

koolaid queen: yes

finnish line: ok, i’ll call in a second <3

-

**Incoming call from finnish line!**

**Accept?**

** _…_ **

“Shiho, Shiho, I’m here, love, I’m here. It’s okay,  _ rakas _ , I’m here now.” 

_ “Ann… I just… I still feel  _ ** _his_ ** _ goddamn hands all over me, and...” _

“I know, dear, I know. I know, I do too. Like a rash, a scar that keeps growing. It’s easier when you wake up, love, go to sleep. I’ll send Goro to be there when you wake up, if that’s okay.”

_ “I… I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes  _ ** _he’s _ ** _ shoving me back down and  _ ** _he’s _ ** _ gripping my hair and  _ ** _he… He..._ ** _ ” _

“I know. It happened to me too. You’re not alone, love. Is it okay if I send Goro over, or should I send someone else?”

_ “Goro is fine. I… I…” _

“I just texted him, he’ll be on his way home soon. Do you want me to sing while you wait, love?”

_ “Please.” _

“Alright. Bundle yourself up, let me know when you’re ready for me to start. Any requests?”

_ “... That song you sang to me when I was in the hospital still.” _

“Alright. Can’t believe you heard that. You ready?”

_ “Ready.” _

“When I was younger I saw my daddy cry,

And curse at the wind…”

-

**You have (1) new message from finnish line!**

finnish line: how is she?

WaffleHouse: she was really drowsy when i got there, looked like a mess. managed to get her to take a bath and get some water into her before she passed out.

finnish line: alright. face she made when you walked in? like, did the corners of her eyes crinkle?

WaffleHouse: no, she blinked a few times and tried to make grabby hands at me

finnish line: thank FUCK

finnish line: thank you so much, goro. if she wakes up, back up a few feet. make sure she can see outside, and keep your voice low.

WaffleHouse: and never touch her in her sleep.

finnish line: exactly. she can and will knock your teeth out if you lay a finger on her while she’s asleep. for safety, grab the desk chair and scoot it by her bed. criss cross applesauce, don’t put your hands behind your head

WaffleHouse: shit, was all of this trial and error???

finnish line: yeah. if she’s still panicking for more than 3 minutes after she wakes up, call someone who is  _ weaker than her.  _ they shouldn’t be able to physically overpower her. so no ryuji, akira, haru, or makoto.

WaffleHouse: gotcha. any no-go sounds that you know of?

finnish line: don’t call her baby, and if she’s like,,,, disassociating??? sing suzui really softly, and whatever you do don’t touch her neck

WaffleHouse: okay, ill keep watch for u <3 

finnish line: thank you, goro <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! i'll be frank, i'm running low on character development ideas. so i'm opening up to your input! in the link, there's a little form that'll let me know what you guys want to see more of if you choose to take it! thanks!  
https://forms.gle/G8Qn9drf3sfAj6kZ7


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